Inspiration

I've been reading and watching a lot of things lately that I've found inspiring. The Harry Potter books and the Outlander books, the Earth's Children books. I'm about 2/3 of the way through the first Lord of the Rings book. Years ago it was Stephen King and Anne Rice. Just yesterday I got my hands on all three of the Lord of the Rings movies and watched almost the whole thing before going to bed. Finished off watching the third movie this morning and then started watching the documentaries that came with them.

I'm easily inspired by things I watch and read. Even a mediocre book will start me thinking "bah, this is terrible, I could do better myself," and then off I go daydreaming about what I'd change, or just inventing stories of my own to tell. Movies like Lord of the Rings inspire me with their incredible visual bounty. I watch them as much, or maybe more, for the visual feast that adorns every single scene than I do for the storytelling. The tile work on a floor, the design of an elven princess's crown, the tooling on a leather breastplate, the overwhelming majesty of a castle, even just the composition - the simple scene with Arwen and Aragorn standing on a Bridge at Rivendell, about to kiss one another is stunning. The Lord of the Rings movies are far and away the most incredibly ornate productions I've ever seen and every time I watch them my creative salivary glands start working overtime.

So, I come away inspired...but then what?

Nothing. I get that old familiar itch that means I want to draw. I start inventing stories in my head. But very little ever gets moved from my psyche to a piece of paper or a computer screen. I can't figure out if it's lack of actual creative energy or fear of failure or fear of judgment, or just plain weariness...I don't know. I used to write quite a bit. Short stories. I even had a few of them published in print and paid for, an achievement of which I am very proud. But I haven't written a single finished story in eight years, to this very month. What happened eight years ago?

I got the job I still have today. Stressful, overwhelming, draining. It leaves nothing for my own creative pursuits.

I've had several great story ideas in the past eight years, but whenever I try to work on them, I become daunted by their scale and give up. Or I try to sketch things out on paper and immediately become dissatisfied by my inability to render what I see in my mind. I used to be able to do it, but not anymore.

This is like becoming sexually aroused without being able to complete the act. Is there such a thing as creative viagra?