A good day

This weather we've been having lately has me all out of sorts. Was in a terrible mood all day Saturday. Luckily, my friends managed to break it for a while in the evening, during one of our potlucks that we have now and then. Yesterday (Sunday) it was absofreakingly FREEZING in my apartment. Of course, the furnaces have been shut down for the summer, so there's no heat coming in.

You should've seen me. I had on socks and slippers, flannel PJ bottoms, my thick fleece pullover and on top of it all I had on my thick fleece robe. I looked like a blue Michelin Man! And on top of that, I had to turn the oven on to 400 degrees and leave the oven door open to get some heat circulating around. Ridiculous! Even on the coldest days in the winter, I can sit around my apartment in next to nothing and feel quite comfortable.

Today was a good day though, even though it's still really cold in my apartment. Did a few hours of work on OBJ research stuff, had a phone meeting with another client, and then met with a former Transcontinental colleague who's got some exciting plans for the future in which I may be involved and profit nicely by.

This evening, I went with another new contact, a very nice lady who also has her own graphic design business right here in the Hamlet, to an exhibit of graphic design at Constitution Square downtown. Just a small exhibit, right in the lobby, but some interesting work was on display. The best part of it was meeting some of the people my cohort introduced me to. Some really nice, and interesting people, a couple of whom I've written to to offer my services for overflow or production work.

The only really bad part of the day came during our time at the exhibit. They'd given us a ticket for a free glass of red wine, so of course, we went and got those. And they were giving out some really lovely hors d'oeuvres. I only had three or four. But at one point, I was standing there chatting with someone, and started feeling really warm. Then hot. Then I could feel sweat pouring down my face and suddenly started feeling distinctly light-headed. So I excused myself and quickly went to the ladies room to sit down.

I'm still not sure what caused it. Either the wine or the food or simply standing around for so long. But I got to the bathroom and sitting down didn't make me feel better at all. Next thing I knew...blurp. Tossed my cookies. Immediately felt better, as often happens when you've got something in you that just has to come out. So I cleaned up and went back out and found my friend, hoping to induce her to leave right away. They all commented that I looked ready to leave because I'd put my sweater on, but it didn't seem to inspire any doorward motion. So I stood and waited and chatted with a lovely fellow, and then with a lady whose agency gives me some work now and then. But then I had to excuse myself again and head back to the ladies room. Luckily there was no blurpage that time, but the hots and the sweats were definitely back. I waited a few minutes and returned to my little group and basically said, "we've gotta go, I'm not feeling well." Even after that it took another ten minutes or so before we actually left. I'm sure no one realized how awful I really felt. I looked in the mirror and wasn't flushed or pale or anything.

Ugh. Nothing worse than tossing your cookies in a public washroom. Gladly, no one else came in while I was in there. When I got home I went straight to bed for two hours. Woke up shivering again. Was buried under two comforters and had on a jersey nightshirt and the PJ pants and socks and was still shivering like crazy. Now that I think about it, I don't think it was necessarily "cold" shivers. I'm starting to think that I'm no longer peri-menopausal, and am now full-blown menopausal. The chills and the hot flashes are brutal. Mood swings. I had blamed it on the weather, but now I'm not so sure!

Well, in spite of that, I'm glad I went, and I may not be so reluctant to attend future such events, as they're obviously great places to make connections. I've realized that working for other designers is a really good business model for me. I never have been a superstar designer. I do have my niche, in which I excel, but there are certain things I'm just not suited for. But what I AM suited for is following direction and working closely with a creative director who has set the tone for a piece and needs someone to pick up and finish it off so they can get on with the Next Big Design. I'm quite content with that. I don't feel the need to be seen as some uber design jock. Production is a good fit for me, plus the smaller design jobs that are more up my alley. And the publication work, of course. That's my first love. Knowing all that, and not fighting it, will probably get me a lot further in this business than trying to be something I'm not.

It's not such a shitty creek after all

It's been six months since I went out on my own and started my graphic design company after having been laid off from Transcontinental (due to a major corporate restructuring) last Halloween. At the time, it was a pretty big shock, of course.

Then, only two days after I got my walking papers, my cat, Bugsy Moran, died from a urinary infection that got out of control. Pretty much simultaneously to that, there was a huge caffuffle to deal with elsewhere, which I won't go into here.

All in all, it was just a true cluster-fuck of a week.

But it ended well...really well...with a surprise birthday party, staged brilliantly by my best friends and family. Even though I was sad and scared and kind of shell-shocked before the party, I came away from that evening feeling like a movie star and knowing that I was very well loved. And that's the best feeling of all. It was a great tonic for my battered psyche.

Fast forward six months and I'm happier than I have been in many years. I'm my own boss. I don't have to set an alarm clock every night. I can come and go as I please. I don't have to go into an office full of people I may or may not like, and do work I had become extremely bored with and tired of doing. I don't have fifty deadlines a week that have to be met. I can concentrate for more than five minutes on a single task. In fact, I can concentrate for HOURS on a single task now. I can start something and finish it and look up and three or four hours have just *poof* gone by in a flash. No interruptions! It's heaven!

My productivity level has skyrocketed. My self-esteem has skyrocketed. My energy level has risen, and, best of all, my love of being a graphic designer has returned. I'm specializing in publication design and production, and I love it! I do other stuff as well, of course, but it's the publications that were and always have been my first love. I'm even doing odd stuff like database management and audio transcription for some of my clients. What the hell, eh? I'm not fussy. You got work needs doing? Give it here! If I'm able to, I'll do it.

I'm learning a lot as I go along, both about what I know and what I don't know. One of the big things I don't know is bookkeeping and stuff like that. It's all a mystery to me. My mother's been taking care of that for me, but I think she wants me to find someone else to do it, so the search is on.

I've also confirmed my not-so-deeply-held suspicion that I hate selling. So far, all of the work I've done has come, in some way or another, through my connections at Transcon. If you ever need to make a big network fast, get to know a few newspaper sales reps and publishers. They know everyone! I'm extremely grateful to my former colleagues at the business journal for all they've done (whether they realized it or not) to help me get my business going. And as for the selling thing, well, I've never gotten a single job from the admittedly feeble marketing pushes I've done. It's all come from referrals. I suspect that, for the most part, it will always be so.

This new life of mine just feels right for me. It feels natural. Before, I was trying to fit myself into a mould that other people had fashioned. It's not that I chafed at being an employee all those years. I didn't. The fact is that I am a very good follower when I have a leader I respect and admire. (And I did respect and admire my boss at the business journal...very much...I still do.) But I also have a leadership urge in me, and a very strong urge to be in control of my own destiny. That last has probably caused me to make some bad decisions, or at least hasty ones, and who knows, maybe this will turn out to be one of them and I'll wind up cashing a paycheque every two weeks again before the year is out.

But not if I can help it.