What I am about to say is not politically correct in any way, shape or form, and may earn me a few nasty comments or even make me an enemy or two. But I've just got to say it, because it's driving me nuts. If the title of this post tells you anything, and you think you're about to be offended, I'll thank you to stop reading now. Go eat some poutine or something.
I hate the French situation here in Ottawa. Absolutely hate it. "To the depth and breadth and height that my soul can reach." Well, that's being melodramatic, but you get the picture.
It effin' drives me nuts is what I'm sayin!
I don't hate French people. Of course not. French people, like anyone else, are great. Earthy, funny, expressive and emotional. I like them.
I just hate the situation we've gotten into here in this city with regards to bilingualism. I don't think it's the fault of any one group of people or institution or specific trend that you could name. It's just that slow march of change that has, for me, finally reached a saturation point so that it's now dripping all over me and ruining my mood quite frequently. It's like a creeping rash: itchy, irritating and infuriatingly persistent. And you can't get away from it around here. It accosts you at every turn.
Ottawa is slowly becoming more French than English and I hate it. To be completely frank, I probably only hate it as much as I do because I can't speak French. If I still hated it in spite of being able to speak the language, then you'd be justified in calling me a bigoted asshole. As it is my reaction is probably more frustration and irritation than real hatred.
I really don't remember this being a big issue when I was growing up. Sure, we got French lessons in school, but why not? It's good to speak a second language, right? I don't remember hearing people complaining back then that they couldn't get a job without knowing French. I'm almost positive you didn't need to be able to speak French to get most jobs in the government...which is by far the biggest employer in this city.
And "this city" is an important distinction, because Ottawa gets "the French situation" blasting it from two angles. First, it's the seat of Federal government in this country, and more and more over the years has committed to making both official languages available to any person using government services. I don't argue with the need for this. But it has meant that the vast majority of government employees have a requirement to be bilingual. And the government spends shitloads of money every year sending unilingual employees on language training that removes them from their jobs for three to six months at a time. Shitloads. Not to mention the cost to replace those employees while they're off learning French. And just forget it if you're applying for a job with the Feds these days if you don't already speak both languages. The second blast Ottawa suffers is by being so close, physically, to the province of Quebec. There is no other large city so close to Quebec, or to another large Quebec community, like we are to Gatineau (previously known as Hull, and why they changed the name, I'll never know). Gatineau and Ottawa are, in effect, one big city. People live there and work here, and vice versa. Many government offices have been moved across the river to Gatineau in the spirit of fairness (fairness? Why did their happening to be nearby entitle them to our jobs?).
There are so, so many things I could bitch about that irritate me about bilingualism. The main thing, I think, is that everyone's so damned afraid to offend the French, so they basically get whatever they scream for. Only 23% of Canada's population is Francophone, and I'd hazard to say that the vast majority are able to speak English. So let's split the difference and say there might be 15% of Canadians who can ONLY speak French. 15%...and that means the rest of us...85%...have to put up with all this bilingualism shit every time we turn around. I can't even go grocery shopping anymore without having the turn the boxes and cans around so I can read them. Who the fuck had the bright idea to display ALL the merchandise French-side out??? And making a phonecall to almost any company in the Ottawa region these days you're forced to sit through the French voicemail greeting first. What the...??? This is called sucking up, people. And the more we do it, the worse it's going to get, because the French/biligual agitators are exactly the types to be given a mile and scream for a hundred of them.
But it doesn't stop there...oh, no. While the entire country is officially required to make all official communications bilingual...even though you probably couldn't scare up a single Francophone in Buttfuck, BC....the province of Quebec is special. They don't have to offer services in English. They're officially French. They don't even have to bother to put the safety signs on the highway in both languages. I guess it doesn't matter if Anglophones splatter themselves on bridge abutments because they couldn't read the caution signs. THAT infuriates me. There should be a law that ANYTHING related to public safety MUST be in both languages in Quebec. Fuck their Bill 101...it's pure, unadulterated shit.
I could go on and on and on about this. It's obviously a major peeve, which is why I gave it the honour of being #1. But what was it that brought this on today, rather than a year ago or any other time? It's because I have very recently realized that, if I ever decide to look for a job elsewhere in this city, my options are severely limited by the fact that I can't speak French. And that's just NOT FAIR! I don't live in Quebec. I don't intend to work for the government. I'm not about to apply to be a receptionist or anyone who deals regularly with the public.
I cannot tell you how tempting it is sometimes to just say "fuck this noise" and move to Toronto. The only thing stopping me so far is that my family and friends are all here and, to be quite honest, Toronto sucks. But there's lots of opportunity there, and if you get the right spot, you can live quite contentedly without spending every last dime you earn on rent. If my parents ever give in and agree to move to Toronto, I might just follow them there. Fair warning.
Bilingualism...fuck it.
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