Pattiabulary: "Creativity"

Been having an interesting email exchange with a fellow whose blog I stumbled across several weeks back. I wish I could remember how. Maybe I was trolling for Ottawa blogs again. I follow the blogs of several complete strangers, the only thing we have in common, or they with each other, is that we all live in the same city.

We've been talking about creativity. Having it, wanting it, missing it, using it. I've always been of the firm belief that everyone has creativity...talent...of some kind. So many times in my life, someone has looked at something I've drawn, or read something I've written, and said "you're so talented...I wish I had talent." It embarrasses me because most of the time I know what I've done is not as good as I could have made it if I'd really put my heart into it.

But for some reason they never believe me when I tell them that they do have talent. That if they just applied themselves, they could learn to do what I do, or something different. Talent is more than just drawing, painting, writing or music. I don't know why people don't see that. It can be almost anything. Maybe you have a talent for renovating, or cooking, or designing buildings or decorating. Maybe it's less visible. Maybe you have a talent for languages, or connecting with people or always knowing the right thing to say. Oh my goodness, I so envy people who can do that. Talent can be almost anything. Anyone can draw. It's just lines on a page. If you take lessons, and practice a lot, you can do it. Maybe you'll never be a Rembrandt, but you can do it.

The same goes for writing. Everyone can write, string words together in a pleasing way.

The problem is that people think they aren't good enough if they don't do it like someone else they admire. They don't realize that every person has their own voice, their own style, their own gift of expression. Even if it's not considered "good" enough for a gallery. And who decides what's "good" anyway? Usually a bunch of stuck-up snots who wouldn't dream of writing or drawing themselves. That old saw works much better for critics: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, critique."

But for me personally, creativity is an angel/demon kind of thing. I love creating. Even more, I love having created. Just about nothing jazzes me more than writing a really great sentence. I've come up with some pretty good stuff over the years. But these days it seems the creativity has been completely sapped out of me. I can pinpoint the day it happened too. It was the day I started my current job. December 4, 1999.

I haven't written a completed story since then. I've thought about it plenty. Had some great ideas, pecked away at some stuff. I've even started working on a couple of novels. I think I've done one, maybe two, completed drawings in that time, and the only one I know I did since then was done because I liked someone else's work and wanted to see if I could do something similar. I like it, but it's not like anything I've ever done before. People who've seen it don't seem to think much of it...they prefer my other work.

I really miss creating for myself. I spend my entire creative budget at work and when I get home there's just no energy left for more. Even at work lately, the thought of trying to be creative is just too much. I give the creative work to my staff. Some people might say if I was really a creative person, I'd create no matter what, 24 hours a day. But that's just not in me anymore...if it ever was. I get home after work at night and I'm drained, physically, mentally and creatively. There's just nothing left. It's heartbreaking, really.

I want to write. I have a couple of great ideas. I've started working on them, but I get stalled so easily. I love writing - even more than drawing. Sometimes I think about getting a job writing, but then I think about what happened to my drawing after I started this job and realize that could be another creativity-killer.

I guess I spend what little writing energy I have these days on things like this blog. I compose emails at work as if they were going to be read by the world's greatest editors. I write and rewrite emails to my friends and online mailing lists as if I was going to enter them into a contest.

But that's not really creative. That's just constructing something out of words. The creativity still lingers behind, without the energy to come to the front and make itself heard. I hope that changes someday.