The Shit Creek Effect

It's been three and a half weeks since I was given notice that my employment will be terminated as of October 30. As I mentioned in my last post, things didn't go too well in the first two weeks. Lost my job, cat died, brouhaha at the office.

But on the 12th, my friends and family blessed me with a surprise birthday party. It was the nicest thing that ever happened to me. My dad and step-mother were there from Kitchener, my friend Sean was there from Toronto, a gal I used to work with was there, and all my best friends and closest family. Then on my actual birthday, my staff surprised me with a beautiful cake, an amazing card and a pink feather boa to wear. I was overwhelmed. It was all so wonderful. It made me feel like a rock star, and the feeling has seeped into my consciousness and left me with a nice little ember of happiness that's still glowing. Such a strong reminder that there are people in the world who love you and want to see you happy cannot fail to have a lasting impact.

It's not all somersaults and sandcastles though. Losing my job has resulted in some curious, possibly predictable, but surprising reactions in me. Two days after I was given my notice, my mood skyrocketed. I couldn't figure it out then, and I still can't. For two days I felt like a superhero. Like I could do anything and that the world was my oyster. My energy level went through the roof. I felt positive, optimistic and hopeful. It was great!

But the next day I crashed. It was as if I'd been burning the candle at both ends and suddenly my body and brain said "enough!" I felt an overwhelming exhaustion and a feeling of utter numbness that I couldn't shake. It took a few days to get over it, but since I did I've just been in a kind of holding pattern. Consciously working at maintaining a positive attitude.

I haven't had a lot of time or energy for job-hunting, but I've been doing what I can with any leads that have come my way and any ideas I have. I do have one interview next Monday, which I'm looking forward to. It's with a temp agency that specializes in placing creative people. I'm thinking I may end up cobbling an income together out of occasional temp or contract work, freelance and part time stuff. We'll see. There aren't a hell of a lot of positions out there for people with my particular skill-set. Then again...maybe there are. I need to be open-minded and flexible. I don't need to worry just yet though...it'll be a while before I need to start biting my nails over money, and that's comforting. It'll give me time to take a good rest and explore my options fully.

But getting back to the Shit Creek Effect. I coined that term to describe the feelings that go through a person after something like getting laid off happens to them. It's kind of the partner syndrome to "survivor's guilt" (and apparently there's plenty of that going around the office lately). The impact from the side of the non-survivor. My Shit Creek symptoms are probably pretty mild, but I find them interesting nonetheless, when looked at dispassionately. Some of the things I've noticed are:

-- A realization that you don't have to worry about certain things anymore. You can just let it go and no one will give you the stink-eye for not caring or not showing the usual interest. It's rather nice. A kind of relaxing.

-- A vague, very slight, but still noticeable resentment toward those who did not get laid off. A kind of "why me" thing. I know in the top of my brain that it makes perfect sense why I got laid off and not certain other people. I know it, and I truly don't harbour any grudge. But still, there's that dinosaur brain buried deep down in there that's a little grumpy about it all and feels a bit jealous. I noticed it when I walked into the office this morning. I looked around as I entered and felt a tiny bit like a little homeless orphan staring in the window of a fine house while the occupants are enjoying a comfortable family moment.

-- The "ghost" treatment. The problem with this extended "working notice" is that people start behaving as if you're already gone and it makes you feel like a phantom who's standing there going "hey! I'm right here! I'm not gone yet!"

-- Counting Down. You're constantly noting things like the second-last paycheque you'll be getting for a while. You wonder if you'll ever see most of the people you work with after your last day. You count the days till the last one. You wonder if the waitress in the restaurants you frequent for lunch will notice that you aren't coming in anymore.

-- Missing people in advance. The hardest thing to deal with is knowing that you won't be working with those people anymore, and that very soon will come the day when you'll have to say goodbye to them. I can't deal with goodbyes. Even the least emotional ones tear me up. I don't fool myself that I'll be seeing my colleagues after I'm gone. It just never works that way. It's weird, and a little disturbing, knowing that you'll probably never spend any notable amount of time again with people who've been such a huge part of your life for so many years. One day they're all in your life, the next they're not. Some of them are people I'm genuinely fond of.

Then again, I suppose facebook will help a lot in that regard. For the first time, I'll be able to easily keep in contact with ex-colleagues. I hope that will help us maintain a friendship that would otherwise, judging from experience, certainly be lost.

But, Shit Creek aside, I think everything will turn out well. I don't believe in fate, I believe in cause and effect. The umpteen times I've heard "everything happens for a reason" have not impressed or comforted me. This isn't one door closing and another one opening. It's one door being shut in my face and me going out and knocking down, or possibly even gouging out, another one on my own.

Yep.