Writing...I love it, but it scares me

I think I'm a pretty good writer. Better than average. I have a lot to learn, and I expect I always will...and that's as it should be.

I've been producing short stories, opinion pieces, poems, journal entries and all manner of other written works for as long as I can remember. Three of my short stories and two of my poems have been published...all of them for money. I vehemently object to the practice of allowing publishers to make money off your work and give you nothing but a couple of author's copies in return.

I've made two concerted efforts at writing a novel. The first one I gave up on twelve years ago, as it became obvious to me that it was little more than an attempt to escape from, and in some ways deal with, the pain of my marriage, which was on its last legs at that time. The second one, which I'm working on now, shows much more promise, a storyline that has nothing to do with my personal life, and takes advantage of all that I've learned in the interim.

And I've just noticed that almost every sentence in this post so far starts with "I." *sigh* Well, it IS the most common word in the English language after all. And this IS a personal blog. So you'll just have to forgive me. But I'll try to do better.

There's just something about writing that I find incredibly satisfying, in a way that very little else satisfies me. While watching television or reading or puttering around on the internet, I usually have some kind of snack on the go (surprise, surprise...HA!). But when I'm writing, I barely even stop to take a sip of whatever beverage I have to hand. Writing completely absorbs my attention, and hours can go by in the blink of an eye.

It doesn't matter whether it's a simple two-sentence email or a new chapter in my novel. I will happily write, rewrite and write again the same sentence over and over to get it just perfect. In anything else I do, if I don't get it right the first time, well, too bad, that's how it's going to stay. And there's little I hate more, in my non-writing time, than having to do something over again. I *hate* that!! I hardly even ever cook the same recipe twice...unless it's really spectacular and I can do it from memory.

Have you ever written a sentence that gave you goosebumps...made you think "wow...did *I* write that??" I have. It's the best feeling in the world. To string together a bunch of letters in such a way that they say absolutely and perfectly the exact thing I wanted to say...that's one of the most sublime things that I can experience. Writing the perfect sentence is kind of like drawing a portrait of someone you know well. Even the tiniest misplacement of a line or shadow will make the face look wrong. But when you get it right...it's sooooo right. It feels so good. I see reality reflected there. And the fact that I did it myself never fails to blow me away. I think that writing well is the most self-affirming thing I've ever done...when it works.

So, can anyone explain to me why I avoid writing so much? I waste so much valuable time doing other things that aren't nearly as creative or productive. Sometimes I literally have to force myself to go sit down at the computer where I write. Sometimes I can't even get that far. I will easily sit here and spend an hour composing a self-serving blog entry that no one but myself is interested in. But sitting down to work on my novel which I know in my heart is a winner and will sell someday...it's one of the hardest things I ever do.

For about five years before I started my current job, I used to write almost every day. It was during that time that I sold those stories and poems. I started my current job ten years ago. December of 1999. For almost the entire time since, my muse, my desire to write, has been AWOL. I've wanted to write. But I just wasn't able to. It was as if all my creative energy was just gone.

And there's fear too. Fear of failure. Fear that I'll never finish, or that it won't be good, or that it will be good and still no one will want to publish it. I'm not so high-minded that I want to write *only* for myself. I guess I'm kind of like an actor...and what is an actor without an audience?

And I'm lazy. I don't have enough drive or motivation to keep my ass in the chair, writing. That's one of my biggest obstacles. I keep reading that you need to set yourself goals if you really want to accomplish anything. That's never worked for me. Possibly the backhanded effect of living a blessed life in which I've almost always gotten what I wanted without really having to work hard for it.

I don't know what happened to bring my muse back, but whatever it was, I welcome it. I welcome Her. I imagine her as a woman named Hesta, who has a spiral tattoo radiating out from her navel. Don't ask....she's not a real person, just a vision I had once during a meditation.

I still struggle every day. And most days I lose. But many days now I win. And that alone is a success. I've written 10,000 words of a horror genre novel. I'm happy when I'm writing. I lose myself in it and it feels gooood. When I'm not writing, I'm often thinking about writing, or reading about writing, or coming up with new ideas for other stories and books I may someday write.

Perhaps you don't just need the urge to write and the talent to write. Perhaps you need the bravery to write as well. You need to overcome the fear of failure. Will I ever finish this novel? What's the use if I'm never going to finish it? Will anyone like it? Will it all have been a waste of time? Are people going to think my writing is overblown? Melodramatic? Silly??

One of the things that's got me writing again now is my friend Tonia, who is reading my pages as I go along and offering her honest opinions and suggestion. Just knowing someone's reading it...that it's not just fantasies in my head and electrons in my computer...that makes a huge difference. Knowing someone is waiting for the next few pages is a real motivator for me.

So, in the end, the answer may be that simple -- for me. Every writer is different. For me, maybe it's just knowing someone likes what I'm doing that keeps me going. Thanks Tonia. Love ya, girl.